On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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