They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
