his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
