Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
