you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
