watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
