if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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