Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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