I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
