Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
time to smoke my breakfast
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
