I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Randomize
