my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I stole a fireplace last night.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
