The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
We have so much sex to catch up on
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
