That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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