Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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