Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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