if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
