Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
