do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
