im drinking this country out of the recession.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
