I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
