the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
