You're a womanizer and a bitch.
and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
