I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
