Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
