By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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