she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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