does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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