Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
In other news, I just burned my penis
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
