So drunk its hurt
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
