someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
