How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
