i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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