Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
