I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
