My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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