i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
