my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
