I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My bed smells like the plague
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