Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Let's paint friendship bongs
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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