oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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