birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
