Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Randomize
