you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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