Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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