i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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