Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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