I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
