You can't special order awesome
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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