arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
