saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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