i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
