I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Randomize
